| Dr. Kenyon -Mookie - Aug 22 10:13pm | |
A final good-bye message from that dutch kid that we loved, hated, and loved to hate.  -SaredTake a seat please. The nice blue couch over there, yes. Now, mister, we’re going to have a nice little talk about your problems of addiction. I’ve read in my reports that you’ve been giving the authorities a little trouble. Something about not paying your Internet bill? Your landlady has been awaiting her payment for ages if only you’d come out of your room. I understand this is your first trip to another location ever in two years? Tell me how all this started. You’re not going to tell me? Alright. I understand that you’re having trouble talking; maybe I should hand you a keyboard. Apparently the chatserver was thinking about going commercial just for the likes of you! I’m going to tell you what I think happened to you. It was a nice spring, years ago. You had a social club of friends, a girlfriend for life, a nice garden and a dog, whom we shall call Dog just because it’s amusing, and because you’re not in a position to correct me anyway. I love my sessions! Like all Friday afternoons, you were surfing the internet before having dinner, vaguely seeking some kind of break from the slur of everydayness you’ve grown accustomed to. School hasn’t been nice to you lately and you’ve been trying to find some decent escapism. And like all people who want to raise the finger to society we seek our solace in a galaxy far, far away - preferably a long time ago, maybe somewhere in the sixties. The Jedi Academy hits you in the face and sucks you right in. You buy all their T-Shirts, become a member of all their fanclubs, put your pictures online in a member gallery. You post on their forums, chat in their rooms, and play on their servers. Swinging around and ninja chopping people’s heads off with a saber running on Duracell flashpacks has never been this much fun! So you got yourself a master. You’ve made it big time. Apparently your mother has come upstairs to complain about the garden - it hasn’t received water in the past four weeks. And the dog’s getting hungry. You tell her to do it herself; you’re busy, damnit. It’s classtime, and the teacher is explaining important things. Your mother, who has never quite gotten used to the idea of you attending classes, shrugs and walks downstairs, figuring it’s alright. What’s this? Oh my, your birthday is celebrated by people on a forum thread - over fourty replies! You smile at the dedication and fun of people online. You hear your father calling downstairs - apparently some visitors have come over and they want to eat pie. It’s your birthday, after all. You ignore him; you have to reply to some witty comments online. Several months pass. The dog is looking extremely thin and the garden has turned into a brown pool of mud. Several floral survivors can be seen drowning in the pocket universe of Flower Hell. So much for your nice garden. You don’t care. Your girlfriend has called - she’s wondering where you’ve been. Your friends have stopped caring, just like you. You don’t mind, because you’ve just been promoted to a Jedi Knight, with all the duties and privileges thereof! You take on your own padawan, a new generation for your online (and pretty much real life) home. You feel like you’re fifty-five, watching the young ones grow up. You’re only eighteen really, but you’ve been sitting and sleeping in your chair forever and muscle workouts don’t appeal to you anymore. Time passes. How much, you don’t know - it no longer has meaning. You’ve become one with your chair. Your mother has stopped bringing food, but that’s okay, you don’t need it. The Academy will sustain you... your girlfriend has broken up with you, but you’ll always have DJ Sith. Wait, he’s getting engaged - he might have a life. Ah well, when everything else fails, there’s Mike. The dog has left for another continent, along with the rest of your family and social circle. Heavily armed men are knocking on your door, but you remain oblivious... if only you could get up and buy a new monitor. You can no longer see as well - in fact, you no longer close your eyes when you sleep, in fear of missing a forum post. Doctors are examining you to explain to CNN just exactly how you’ve been surviving without food, sleep or a life. They take a look at the website. A really big man called Lenny is tapping you on your shoulder and surgically removes you from the chair (it can only be called surgery in that surgery was indeed required to fix your legs after Lenny was done with beating you up. No one said you would go without a fight!). And that’s how you came to be here, in my office, on my couch. Don’t look so surprised - it’s a common story. Authorities are shutting down this Academy website as we speak - within two years it has become a world wide cult, and thousand of people have suffered the exact same thing. You’re by no means unique. And you know what they do to all these victims? They send them to me. Because I can fight the temptation. I was part of the Academy too, you see, but I resisted. And now, here you are, and here I am, and I hereby announce you cured. Go back to society, my friend. Have a life. Having problems standing up? That’s alright. There’s the door, friend. Yes, you open it this way. Just down the hall, past my assistant. If you’ll excuse me, I have some work to do. Some E-mail to check up on. Some forums to visit. Some rooms to chat in. Some games to play. Good luck with your life. And may the force be with you. Kenyon is an amateur writer and has decided to grace the pages of the Academy one time to celebrate his retirement. He lives in Europe with his girlfriend and cat and occasionally sees other people. He’s nineteen years old and still going on strong. He doesn’t want to get a life. |
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| Comments |
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Ashyr - Student 
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Good post. It inspired me. /me gets up and walks out the door Hello World!!! /me realized he's still in his boxers and white as a whale crap! /me runs back in _______________ Top ten reasons to get a better computer...|My fan |
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tarpman - The Tarped Avenger 
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And that's a big part of why I've been away for a few weeks. Now I'm back with a tan and (horrors!) some muscle mass, and ready to waste it clicking away for hours on end... until school starts again that is.  _______________ Saving the world, one kilobyte at a time. |
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xAnAtOs - Student |
I know exactly what you mean, Ken, i've been thinking about it for two years now.. Well-written man, good luck with that real life of yours. _______________ Brother to Luke Skywalker and (SKX) Dark Blade 
Lag Brother to Acey Spadey 
Jools is my best friend.
<Henkes> nebody feeling like abusing me with a lightsaber?|+Smilykrazy grabs Gradius, beats the living CRAP out of him, then throws him into a huge vat of ACID |
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Bubu - Hubbub 
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Ouch! That hit me right in the face man! <3 Kenyon _______________ make install -not war |
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Roan Belouve - Retired 
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Well thats one hell of an Article. GL Ken in that RL. _______________ *Bro to Vaxxla,Padawan of FiZZandOdan-Wei Part of the mighty Belouve Dynasty-Knight of Nippledom.Twin of Selphestal!**Proud Master to Kaelis and Acura Friend to anyone who would call me the same  . Pic by the amazing Majno (merry)
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ozzcoz - Cosplay Nerd 
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Besides touching a nerve (wtf, a pain response? must need less sleep to cure that) this is a well written article with some nice style. Haven't read much of what kenyon wrote before, and probably won't get much more of a chance now. But like cyb and a couple of other have said, nice article. Are you working as a professional columnist as part of your rehab? _______________ A wizard did it. |
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Fate - Student 
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Oh... it is far too sad to see one's life so easily explained. I wouldn't say the Academy is my addiciton but this game... Sometimes I think about the time I've wasted in Dark Forces, jk1, mosts, jk2, and jk3.... Good story, hopefully it will help someone see the error of their ways and take a step back from the game _______________ I must not fear . Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear . I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. Gom gom gom gom gom! |
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Cyb - Student 
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Wow, man you could easially be a pro writer, really good! _______________ ~~ Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none! ~~ |
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Henkes - Student 
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Nice Job Ken! _______________ Get on your feet and do the Funky Alfonzo! |
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Fire - Student 
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Well written man, extremely well written. Some of those things are going on with me and my RL just sucks right now. So I've started to realize what I've gotta get straight again, and begin to live again. Thanks Ken. |
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Garos - Student 
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Great article I can actually see myself in that. Steered away from everything else :/ It's not my fault! You guys are addictive and stuff! |
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DJK - Student 
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Lol, nice one ken!! |
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Kueller - Student 
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That PWND, as long as you see this as fun, and not another life, you'll be OK and in no danger. At least that's what I think. _______________ Personal sleepness-nights-supporter of Virtue. Owner of the 1000th comment of Daidalus and 1943th comment of Gradius! Owner of the 300th comment of Carda! -Taught Gradius all his laming skills 
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PlooKoon - Student 
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LOL that was awesome w00t gooo ken! _______________ Moo |
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Illian D'Kana - Student 
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Very nice Ken _______________ | Mental victory leads to physical victory. The mental battle begins before the physical battle. If you can defeat your opponent mentally half of the battle is won. | |
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D@mned ++ - Student 
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wow way to go KEN it really shows us that the academy can be pretty adictive, though i still have a social life  _______________ Bartender at Mune's bar. It’s not just a site, it’s a community. It’s not just a community, it’s the Academy. It’s not just the Academy, it’s a place in my heart. |
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Mookie - Ex-Student 
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It's satire, folks. Though I suppose there's a moral buried in there somewhere. -Ken |
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Khâ D'Kana - Student 
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Really well written On a sidenote, I think your text is not so far from what really happen here... Some of us surely need Dr. Ken  This place is simply too addictive... _______________ In light of day, nor dark of night, no evil shall escape our sight. Proud member of the D'Kana family |
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Sauce - =^.^= 
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Xanatos - Student 
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lol JD, and Great story kenyon , i like it. _______________ |
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Jaina D'Kana - Jedi Instructor 
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yay nice story...and the moral? Keep the door locked so people cant come in and take u away _______________ INTP |
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3th - Retired 
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sucks when you let something consume you so much you just have to cut it off. hope that's not what really happend Ken. however, i think this is more of a cautionary tale use the web wisely folks _______________ this is the internet, be serious damn it! |
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Masta - Jedi Council 
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W00t! Way to go Kenyon =) Me <3 u _______________ Find out more about the Jedi Academy Aurochs here and more about Masta here! Married to Kain. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student 
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lol very nice Article, I enjoyed it much _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Charly - Student 
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Nice article! I enjoyed reading it very much! |
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