| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones 
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Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker. _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones 
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A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!' P.S. Isn't senility something else? _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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Carbonel - Student |
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." |
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Carbonel - Student |
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog." |
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Carbonel - Student |
Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge.
Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, "Either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?" |
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YOle - Student |
I dont get the second one... NVM
Here's one for ya: Theres a convention of brewers in some town (not important) and the reps of all the worlds famous brands sit down to have a drink at the pub. When thewaiter comes they all start ordering. The Heineken rep orders a Heineken, the Budweiser rep orders a Bud, Stella rosa rep choses Stella and so on... until they reach the Guiness rep. The waiter asks him: "what will you like to drink?" "I think I'll have a Coke" Now all the other reps are confused. "C'mon man, how can you order a soft drink at a beer conventionv? thats just not right" "Well, since noone around here ordered beer, I'd hate to stand out..." |
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Carbonel - Student |
Patient at deaths door doctors pull him through
British riot officers fire warning shots over the heads of rioters killing the royal family watching from a balcony. -Amusing news healdines if you dont get them immidiatly think about them for a second |
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Nightfire - Student 
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Well no one can break the king but here's another joke nonetheless;
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?" Farmer: "That's right." Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?" Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke 
LAIHELA |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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The king has returned...here's one for you guys. :-)
Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital. Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.' Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.' 'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.' _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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Carbonel - Student |
Quote: That last one was great, NightFire.
A girl was sitting in the back of her parents' car, singing a tune. Suddendly, the car has to make a sharp turn to avoid an incoming vehicle. They crash into the river running next to the road, and quickly sink to the bottom. The girl can get out just in time: the parents drown. She quickly comes up for air, sits next to the water and starts crying. After a while, a man comes up to her and asks: "Why are you crying, little girl?" In between her sobs, she says: "My parents and I were in an accident, our car hit the water and my mom and dad both drowned. Now I'm all alone!" The man drops his pants and says: "This just isn't your day, is it?" 
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Carbonel - Student |
Quote: After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident! P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in the cockpit. S: Something tightened in the cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume reset to a more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: The number 3 engine is missing. S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one saved for last...... P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from the midget. THAT IS GREAT |
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Carbonel - Student |
a guy walkes in to a bar and sits next to a pretty girl and asks her if he can buy her a drink. she stands up walks to the center of the bar and shouts WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM A PROSTITUTE?!?! and leaves. the man embarresed by her words sits in a cornet trying to disappeare behind his pint
the girl walkes in a couple of minutes later and says im sorry im a phsychology major and i wanted to see your reaction to this he stands up walks to the center of the bar and shouts FIFTY BUCKS ARE YOU CRAZY!!!? and leaves |
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Carbonel - Student |
Quote: I call to rename this thread "Jokes of SilkMonkey". lol, keep em coming!
second |
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Carbonel - Student |
a guy walks into a bar and stays untill closing time and to no surprise he is plastered he drives home and is pulled over by a state trooper the officer pulls him out and says hes drunk the man replies`` I swaer to drunk officer im not god``! |
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Carbonel - Student |
A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow. The small man looks at the guy and grabs him by the arms and neck and says,
``Thats a choke hold from Judo`` the first guy figures hes a bit drunk lets it slide in another five minutes the little man puts im in another hold and says thats a secret bracing hold from karate the guy is annoyed but... lets it slide hes in another hold five minutes later and says thats a death move in tae kwon do! the guy pissed out of his skull leavs the bar comes back five minutes later the little fellow waiting for another drink and before the little fellow can defend himself he lunges at him his arm flailing out from behind his back the little guy falls of the stool out cold the guy says to the bartender``thats a monkey wrench from sears!`` A guy walks into a bar and shouts WHEN I DRINK EVERYBODY DRINKS he gets a cheat from the patrons he shouts again WHEN I DRINK AGAIN EVERYBOD DRINKS AGAIN he gets a huge chear when its close to closing time he looks into his wallet and shots WHEN I PAY EVERYBODY PAYS!! if you thought these were good jokes tell me This comment was edited by Carbonel on Aug 27 2007 06:01pm. |
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Cloud - Student 
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How do you send a blonde to hell?
Tell her that the light at the end of the tunnel is a train. This fat woman walks by a store every day that has a talking parrot in front. And, every day, the parrot says to her, "You're fat! You're fat!" Finally, the woman comes in and says, "Im going on vacation, and when I get back, I want that parrot gone." The man says, "No, no. I will teach him not to say it." When the woman comes back from vacation, she walks by the store and the parrot says, "You know." On this cruise ship, there was a magician putting on a show. Every time he would do something, there was a parrot that said things like, "Brawk! It's up his sleeve!" and so on. The magician gets mad and walks out. Later, the ship sinks and among the survivors are the magician and the parrot. The parrot flies up to him and says, "Ok, I give up. Where is it." Also, read my sig. _______________ My cousin Walt got a cat stuck in his ass. True story, the whole fiasco ended up on the local news. He was sent to the emergency room, big embarassment for my realatives. The next week, he does it again. Different cat, same result, followed by another trip to the emergency room. So, I go in the mall the next week and I see him buying ANOTHER cat! I go up to him and say, "Jesus, Walt! You know you're going to get this one stuck in your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" He looks at me and says, "How the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" This comment was edited by Cloud on Aug 19 2007 09:27pm. |
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Takoa - Student 
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wow, been a very long time since I have added anything to this. This is one I heard on Sirius Satellite Radio =]
The next time you and your lover are going to have sex, why not try some Role Playing? For this instance, the two of you will be playing doctor. First, set her outside of your room on a chair for a hour with crappy waiting room music playing in the background. Then let her in and see her for 5 minutes and then shoo her out of the room. Then lastly, mail her a bill for $3000 for medical expenses. Not too great a one to start out with, but I will add in some better ones in the future. =] _______________ If you were to stab me in the heart, i would apologize for bleeding on your shirt. -Love may not make the world go round, instead it makes the whole ride worthwhile. This comment was edited by Takoa on Aug 10 2007 07:17am. |
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CuZzA - Student 
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Quote:
Quote:
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Theif Not really a theif. I've heard that joke many a time before. Never seen that video though _______________ - Even if Carlsberg made "w*nkers", Christiano Ronaldo would still be the biggest "w*nker" in the world |
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JP - Academy Pimp 
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Quote: This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Theif _______________ Come on now, every Generation X boy wanted to be Luke Skywalker. Is it because he was a whiney farm boy from some backwater hack planet? No, it's because he was a FREAKING JEDI. He could block lasers with his lightsaber. He could levitate droids & rocks & crap with his mind. Come on, he choked two pig dudes with just a simple gesture. He cut off Darth Vader's hand and kicked him down a flight of stairs. He got his @$$ zapped by lightning from the geezer Emperor, stood up and said "s'at all you got b!tc#??" This comment was edited by JP on Jul 30 2007 09:41pm. |
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The Killer 9000 - Student 
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my wife leads a double life hers, and mine! _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." |
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Nightfire - Student 
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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses. At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!” _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA |
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The Killer 9000 - Student
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How do you get a gramdmother to say s***!
Get another grandma to say "BINGO" 
i read this in a book  _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." |
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The Killer 9000 - Student 
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i work at the U.S. federal mint, why i hear you can make alot of money! _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." |
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Bubu - Hubbub 
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Meanwhile On An Airplane...
A man clutches his chest and keels over into the aisle. Stewardess: OH MY GOD! IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THIS FLIGHT? Doctor: I'm a doctor. Step aside. Stewardess: Is there anything you need? Doctor: Yes. Is there a nurse on this flight?! Nurse: I'm a nurse. Doctor: Dammit, there's no time, he stopped breathing. And if we don't act fast, we'll lose him. Nurse: He's gone. Stewardess: What? How? Nurse: Is there a pathologist on this flight?! Pathologist: I'm a pathologist. Doctor: Any ideas? Pathologist: From the way he fell it looked like a myocardial infarction. We won't know for sure until the results come back from the lab. Stewardess: Wanna dumb that down for me? I'm not a rocket scientist. Rocket Scientist: A heart attack. Stewardess: Wow. A rocket scientist, a doctor, a nurse, a pathologist. What are the odds?! Statistician: Roughly 1 in 140,000. Doctor: Is there a pilot on this flight? Pilot: Of course. Doctor: We're going to need to turn this plane around. Pilot: What about the career fair? Career Fair Coordinator: I guess that can wait. _______________ make install -not war This comment was edited by Bubu on Jul 19 2007 07:49pm. |
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The Killer 9000 - Student
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Quote: This is the best thread, I laugh so much, thanks guys.
i agree! _______________ "I am Neither Light nor Dark but rather gray, i have embraced both paths of life, and it has made me stronger..." |
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