| Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!! | |
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Battlin' Billy - Student  |
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself._______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm. |
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Kenyon - Lord of the Dance 
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That last one was great, NightFire.
A girl was sitting in the back of her parents' car, singing a tune. Suddendly, the car has to make a sharp turn to avoid an incoming vehicle. They crash into the river running next to the road, and quickly sink to the bottom. The girl can get out just in time: the parents drown. She quickly comes up for air, sits next to the water and starts crying. After a while, a man comes up to her and asks: "Why are you crying, little girl?" In between her sobs, she says: "My parents and I were in an accident, our car hit the water and my mom and dad both drowned. Now I'm all alone!" The man drops his pants and says: "This just isn't your day, is it?" |
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Nightfire - Student 
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all background checks, interviews,and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. " We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room, you will find you wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." The man said, " You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife!" The agent said, " then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, It was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband, She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. " This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. " I had to beat him to death with the chair" Moral: Never put a woman to the test _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke 
LAIHELA |
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Nightfire - Student 
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Hah that one was good
Anyway found this on ze net
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage" The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA This comment was edited by Nightfire on Nov 20 2006 06:02pm. |
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JamesF1 - Student 
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A Chinese man goes for an interview and gets the job. He’s told he is working in the warehouse and is in charge of supplies - so off he goes, to the warehouse.
A month or so later he hasn’t picked up his wages more time passes and the boss goes to the warehouse to see what’s going on. He goes in and it's all silent. Then, suddenly, out of a box jumps the Chinese man shouting, "SUPPLIES!!!" _______________ Website |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student 
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<[]qube> Plz, someone tell me where i can download GEFORCE 4, i need it, i got so low fps in cs =( /msg me FAST!!!!!!! _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student 
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Oh Baracus, who was in 'Nam, Mr. T be thy name. Thy van will come with Face and Hannibal, on Earth as it is on TV-Land.
Give us this day, our daily milk, and pity us fools, as we pity the fools who cross us. Lead us not into airplanes, and deliver us from Murdock. For thine is the Mohawk and the Van, and the Gold Chains, forever, or at least until the mid-80's. Amen. _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student
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I know a girl who's being cheated on, yet she is oblivious to it. It's funny, until I realize I'm dating her. _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student
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My dad once complimented a woman on having a "bun in the oven". It turned out she wasn't pregnant. Whoops. _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student
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I had college once, but I drank a lot of fluids and got a lot of rest and eventually it was cured. _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Bail Hope of Belouve - Student
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A little boy walks into his parents room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time." say's the boy. "Why is that? asked his Mom, puzzled? "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up" _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. |
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Nomadic Phoenix - Student 
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Quote: General Motors vs Microsoft
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. _______________ Check out my personal webcomic, Subconscious, here. "Life isn't a video game. There aren't any respawn points." Proud Owner Of: Rin An Tian's 100th and 400th Comment. This comment was edited by Nomadic Phoenix on Nov 13 2006 09:51pm. |
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NotSoLittleCaesar - Student 
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When you shoot a mime -
Do you need a silencer? _______________ Quote: I mostly agree oh Lord of the squeezy mop
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Nightfire - Student
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A man was out walking the beaches of California & thinking of his life when he soudenly cried:
"Lord, Grant me a wish!" Suddenly the sky was filled with dark clouds above his head and he heard the Gods dark voice: "Sience you've tried to be faithful to me in every way, I'll grant you one of your wishes." The man:"Build me a bridge to Hawaii lord so that I can go there whenever I please." God:"Your wish is very material. Think of how much planning & work that the bridge will require. Think of the pillars that will have to go all the way too the bottom of the ocean! Think of how much iron & concrete it'll take. I can do it but it's hard for me to grant you such a worldly wish. Take some more time & think of another wish. A wish that you think would glorify me." The Man thought for a long while and finaly said: " Lord I've been married & divorced 4 times. All my wives have said that I'm cold and do not care about them. I wish I could understand women. I wish i could understand what their feelings & how they feel. I want to know what they're thinkink when they refuse to speak to me, or why they cry and what they mean when that say "nothing". I want to know how to make a woman really happy." A cupple of minutes later the God said: " Do you want 2 or 4 Lanes on that bridge?" _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA This comment was edited by Nightfire on Oct 28 2006 06:20pm. |
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Nightfire - Student
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found this on the net
Transelated One evening a girl brought her boyfriend home. Precisely when they we're about to kiss eachother goodnight by the front door the guy got a bit excited. With a great bit of confidence he leans against the outerwall and with a smile says to the girl: He:"Darling could you give me a blow job?" Horrified she awnsered:"Are you crazy? My parents would notice." He:"meeh,who would catch us this late at night?" She:" No please. Can you imagine if we got cought?" He:"Come on. Noone's awake everyone's asleep" She:" Not a chance it's too risky." He(hung as a dog):" oh But pretty please. I love you So much She:"No, no & no.I love you too, But I just can't..." He:"Yes you can. Please?" She:" No, no i just..." He:"I beg you..." All of a sudden the porch light is lit and the girls little sister opens the front door dressed in a pyjama. With quite a sleepy voice she says: " Dad says you should give in & give him a blow job. Or else i can do it. Or if it's necessary, dad says, he can come down & do it himself. But for godsakes ask the basterd to remove his hand from the entry phone." _______________ -Need a light? My 362:nd post was a joke
LAIHELA This comment was edited by Nightfire on Oct 28 2006 05:47pm. |
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Shang Chi - Student 
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HeHe from the married men like me _______________ Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness. |
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JamesF1 - Student
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Silk for teh big win!!!!1111oneone _______________ Website |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones 
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The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE" He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The f-king funeral director would be my guess." _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones 
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific". _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says: "I wonder how the guys are doing?" _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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A husband and his blonde wife were driving along the country side one Sunday just putt puttin along.... as they were driving, the blonde saw another blonde out in an open field rowing a boat. Out of sheer and utter shock she screamed to her husband "Stop.. stop this car right now!". The blonde jumped out of the car and ran over to the fence. She screamed at the top of her lungs " It's dumb ass blondes like you that give us such a bad name.... if I could swim I would come out there and whip your ass!" _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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SilkMonkey - Distributor of Cold Ones
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Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. Jack noticed that the guy was moaning and shaking. "What's wrong?" asked Jack. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, Louisiana," the guy answered. "There's crazy people in New Orleans. They have shootings, rapes, robberies, gangs, race riots, drugs . . . . the highest crime rate." "Hold on," Jack interrupted. "I've lived there all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Bud Lite truck." _______________ |-HK-47 -SilkMonkey: You are receiving a warning for being_too_sexy. If you do not stop, action will be taken against you.|| (11:13:43) � Virtue dances for Silk ||Smiling owner of Smilykrazy's 6000th comment =) ||Odan Wei's Proud Big Brother|| Janus is my official TaruTaru Cuddly Animal Type Person. ||(@Virtue) Or you could just be a man and set fire to your genitals.....you won't fall asleep for days after that.......trust me.||Thomas Skywalker er for sexy for sitt eget beste!!!!| Not changing sig until the JA loosens up. (Started: Aug 31, 2005) |
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JamesF1 - Student
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Quote: What's brown and sticky? A stick! Give the man a medal... _______________ Website |
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Trad Redav - Student 
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What's brown and sticky? A stick! _______________ Well then. Just so you know, just because I don't post often doesn't mean I don't lurk this place multiple times every day... |
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