| Dating Devil Dogs | |
|
Luke - ex-Student  |
Rachael gasped in shock. There on table was small case.
“Open it Rach,” Taav encouraged. Rachael reached across the table grabbing the case. “Oh Taav…it’s beautiful.” Captain Rachael Carlson looked at herself in the mirror. Any minute now her boyfriend would arrive to take her on a date. Any other night, this date would have been informal, in dress and occasion. Tonight however was a night of celebration. It was Rachael’s and Taav’s eighth anniversary since their first date eight years before. Rachael pulled on her leather jacket; she pinched the two halves of it together moving her hand up the center of the jacket, as she did so. A heavy knock came at the metal door. “Who is it?” Rachael called. No Answer. Who is it?” Rachael asked again. A dry raspy voice answered, “Special delivery for a Miss Rachael Carlson.” “One moment, sir, I’ll be right with you.” Rachael smiled to herself, she knew it was. Rachael walked slowly in long reaching steps to the door. She opened it. She saw Taav standing there. He wore informal cloths; a leather jacket, chaps, and knee-high leather boots, A motorcycle helmet tucked under his left arm. “We should go Rach;” Taav’s gaze met Rachael’s, Our Dinner reservations are at twenty-hundred hours” (eight ‘o clock p.m.) “Well, let’s get going shall we” Rachael said. Taav nodded, shifting the helmet in his left arm to his right, so he could offer Rachael his left arm. Rachael took his arm say-ing, “My, an officer and gentleman.” Taav looked at Rachael. Her long brown hair had been pulled back and braided. “You look very beautiful tonight Rach” Taav commented. Rachael smiled faintly as they walked down the well lit hallway. “Thank you and you look very handsome Taav.” Taav blushed. “Where are we going again?” Rachael asked perplexed. “It’s called “The Olive Garden” Taav steered his street motorcycle through a lane of traffic. Rachael looked at her watch. “Rachael I’d really hate to you nervous but we have only ten minutes to get to the restaurant.” Under her helmet Rachael bit her lip. “What’s the distance to the restaurant?” Rachael asked. “Six miles. We’ll have to pick up the pace, if we’re going to make on time.” Rachael tightened her grip on Taav’s waist. “I’m ready Taav, go for it.” “I’d thought you’d never ask…” Taav chuckled. Taav through his body back-ward. This made the front of motorcycle tilt backward as well. “Reservation for two” Taav told the lady behind the oak counter. “Name please.” the woman inquired. Her blue eyes looked straight at Taav. “Taav Sharroock and Rachael Carlson, ma’am” Taav answered her. The woman looked down at a list hidden by the counter. “Yes you’re on the list, sir; my I offer to show you a table?” “Not just yet ma’am, my date and I need to put on something more formal” the lady nodded toward the restrooms behind Taav and Rachael. Taav stepped out of the stall he was in, walking over to the sink to wash his hands. He glanced up into the mirror; his face was one of an experienced marine Captain, who had seen plenty of gruesome combat over the eight years he had served with distinc-tion in the Corps. A shallow scar ran from the left side of his upper lip, jaggedly changing direction to end at the top of the cleft of his nose. Shrapnel wound. Taav had many such scars elsewhere on his body that only his trusted friends, such as, Rachael had seen. His eyes held a warm glow in them. This was a happy time though, in combat facing a brutal enemy, his green eyes would lose their warmth. He became a highly skilled weapon. The horrors of battle would make him this way. Taav closed his eyes for second. Past memo-ries bubbled to the surface. “Marines advance!” The boom of artillery echoed in his ears. “Sir, tanks!” some-one had shouted. Then screams of agony came through his ears. “Ahhh! My leg! My leg!” A second later, Kawoosh! Boom! An anti-tank projectile had been fired hitting the tank. More screams. Taav stomach churned. He leaded forward throwing up in the sink. Taav exited the men’s bathroom. Rachael stood a short distance way. She was wearing her dress blue uniform. Rachael turned her head to look at Taav. “Is everything all right?” Rachael asked with concern in her voice. Taav shud-dered, his whole body; he stands six foot two inches tall, shook. Taav did not want to lie. Rachael had been at Taav’s side through some fierce fighting so he had no reason to lie to her. “Bad memories of combat.” Rachael nodded understanding. She walked to where she was stand “Tonight think only of our date, an do not let these memories trouble you.” “I won’t Rach.” “So how are your parents, Taav?” Taav finished chewing his pasta, swallowed then answered. “Their fine, and yours, Rach.” “Fine as well.” Taav’s left hand drew down under the table. “I have something for you, Rach” “What?” “This.” Taav placed a small case on the table. Rachael’s heart skipped a beat. She gasped in shock. There on table was small case. “Open it Rach,” Taav encouraged. Rachael reached across the table grabbing the case. “Oh Taav…it’s beautiful.” Inside the case was a diamond ring. “Marry me, Rach.” Rachael’s hands shook with nervousness. So much so that she dropped the case. It hit the rim of her ice water, tossing the ring into her drink. “I’m terribly sorry Taav” Rachael exclaimed sincerely. “Its okay, Rach.” Taav said calmly. Rachael gently took the glass and tipped to her lips. Drinking the water until it was gone. As she tipped the glass toward her, the ring and ice fell into her mouth. “Spit it out, Rach.” Taav said busting up laughing. Ice shot everywhere. The ring shot passed Taav. Landing on a nearby table. “I’ll be back, Rach” Taav said getting up. Taav hustled over to where the ring had landed. He picked it up. Rachael got out her seat, grabbing the case. Rachael handed Taav the case. Taav took the case, placing the ring back in it. Then he got down on one knee. “Marry me, Rach” “Taav Sharroock, I accept your hand in marriage.” Taav took the ring, placing it on Rachael’s finger. Taav rose, he kissed Rachael squarely on the lips. Ooh rah Taav thought. _______________ Lucas Ammons This post was edited by Hardwired on Jan 18 2007 10:14pm. |
| Login and add your comment! |
| Comments |
|
Bail Hope of Belouve - Student 
|
Ok, I just read your story.
Besides grammar and vocabulary mistakes (I'll ignore those because not everyone is as good at English as someone else) your story was quite well written. I liked how you walked into the past with your main character looking in the mirror. Such flashbacks are always good practice in writing. It teaches us something more about the character. I was kind of annoyed by the following sentence: Quote: “This.” Taav placed a small case on the table. Rachael’s heart skipped a beat. She gasped in shock. There on table was small case.
See how the last sentence and the first after the quote is exactly the same, only composed differently? Then, you started with her opening the box and saying it's wonderful. I'd advise you not to do this, unless there is an actual reason for a fast-foward (like a backflash, but one to the future instead of the past) like some part later in the book/story. I do want to advise you that the talk they have about their parents isn't really a talk. No one talks like that if they are lovers. She could perhaps comment that her father is stubborn as always and thinks he knows better than the doctor, or something and then have him chuckle about the joke she made, or whatever. It'll make the feeling more real. Overall, it could really work out if you expand the characters and get a story in it  _______________ Visit the Belouve Family Website! Quote: I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion
Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here. This comment was edited by Bail Hope of Belouve on Jan 24 2007 07:46pm. |
|
Rinzler - Student 
|
Frankly I think it is creepy that you write about this character, whos name you used on the website before dropping it for your own.
And why is he doing things like dating? Also just about every sentence has spelling and grammar mistakes and some of it just doesn't read coherently. _______________ I fite for teh usars!1 |
|
R2D2 - Staff 
|
Taav chuckled and threw his body backwards, making the front of the motorcycle tilt backwards as well. That should be grammatically correct.
I would go with a different verb than "threw." _______________ "Do or do not, there is no try" Jedi Master Yoda Dual Saberist |
|
Hardwired - Retired 
|
Moved to a more appropriate forum.
- HW _______________ ::Nothing wrong with a little shooting.....as long as the right people get shot:: |
|
Everon - Student - The winner!!! 
|
Quote: Taav chuckled. Taav through his body back-ward. This made the front of motorcycle tilt backward as well.
After reading a random line I noticed this mistake. I believe what you shoud have written was this... Quote: Taav chuckled and through his body back-ward making the front of the motorcycle tilt backward as well. |
|
Senor Hat - Student 
|
Why is part of the ending first? =\ _______________ I have beaten The Internet. The end guy was hard. |
|
Jade Jedi - Retired 
|
Showcase Forum _______________ *CLICKEH->Never risk the Fett Man|*Download my Saber here. Made by master craftsman Pink Floyd_Mintaka + his 2002 & 4000 comment's [Laz's 700th comment][BDKawika's 600th comment] & Owner of a TOWEL award!!|Master: Sared Padawans: Rage-Ball and Dante Eagle.|*Jade Jedi at The Jedi Academy Archives "There's only one Return and it's not of the King it's of the Jedi" Randal Clerks 2 The top 10 reasons why I procrastinate: 1. |
|
Mindrith Pride - Student 
|
okies, a few punctuation errors and at times you switched from past to present text, which is a no-no for writers , also you used - on many uneccisary words, shuddered doesnt need a -
I think the story itself is fairly random, as it just steps up into the readers face, expecting them to know whats going on with the characters. It seems to me you've started at the middle instead of the begining, also you don't need to keep repeating words in the same sentance, you can if you want but repititon in novels makes my teeth grind, personally. Other than that it's fairly well structured, but next time you post a piece of writing on the forums i'd advise writing a little bit above the story explaining more indepth about the characters if your going to write something like that out of the blue , i know it may seem im just having a go at you, but im not. just giving advice
also i would use italics on a new line when you are doing things that your characters are thinking: ooh rah! Taav thought _______________ [proud owner of talions 200th, 700th,1111th coment AND 1400th , DJK's 3001th coment! , saz's 400th coment! liso's 800th coment! Kitmitsu Aratan's 1200th comment! Cau's 100th comeent, Alexander's (aka CC) 210th, 888th and 2200th comments! Moriarti's 800th comment , Piccolo's 2000th comment! lirael's 505th comment , Quom Farlance's 120th comment, Alexander's 1800th comment , Eica's 1400th comment , Wicek's 3200th comment lady C's 999th comment, Echuu's 1100th comment, Takaru's 325th and 400th comment, Redeye's 200th comment picc's 3600th comment, Ostith's 50th comment, Elmo's 555th comment] This comment was edited by Mindrith Pride on Jan 11 2007 04:06pm. |
| Login and add your comment! |