| Your Horoscope for Today | |
|
Sared - Retired  |
If you don't know where this is from then oh well. If you do then just shaddup and laugh.  Aquarius: There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole seventeen hours a day. Pieces: Try to avoid any pieces or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say. Aries: The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty-pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep. Taurus: You will never find true happiness, whatcha gonna do? Cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep. Gemini: Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest. Cancer: The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face-down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your drivers test. Leo: Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quick. Virgo: All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick. Libra: A big promotion is just around the corner, for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week. Scorpio: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak. Sagittarius: All your friends are laughing behind your back…….KILL THEM. Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgheim you’ve got hanging in your den. Capricorn: The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person but, you know their lying. If I were you I’d lock my doors and windows and never leave my house again. _______________ I'm crazy, not stupid. |
| Login and add your comment! |
| Comments |
|
Jello` - Student 
|
Weird al rules, i have almost all of his CDs  _______________ Brady Brothers: Orion-Greg, Furi0us-Peter, Me-Bobby. Long lost cousin to Flash. Midbie Council #007. Ex-JAK. |
|
Ale'Velkyrii - Student 
|
I can't believe I just read the whole thing out loud to nobody whatsoever...lol That song is tied with "that's your horoscope for today" in my mind. I can't believe you did that. I hope you copied and pasted that from a site, but, if not...HOLY SH**! You just typed an 11 minute song! Maybe I'll do that for Bohemian Rhapsody...hmm. _______________ Wanna know what my name means? Peralos Ale'Velkyrii: Perilous Drunken Angel, or PDA for short.  Perilous, because I'm bound to get into fights I can't win. Drunken, because ALE! Angel, because a valkyrie is basically an angel of Odin. I'm here to send you to the afterlife, but I can't gurantee I'll be stable enough to win a fight. 
|
|
Battlin' Billy - Student 
|
This is my fave Weird Al song: Albequerque ----------- Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy... except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy. I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket... to Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean. Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything. So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me." And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "'kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said! It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator." In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts." I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts." I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check." "No, we're outta bear claws!" I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels." I said, "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this: DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh! I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah. But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up, and I never saw her again but that's just the way things go In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude. OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is... I HATE SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place called Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) I said A! (A!) L! (L!) B! (B!) U! (U!) .... querque! (querque!) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) Al...buquerque! *burp* _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
|
Ale'Velkyrii - Student
|
That Taurus one is quite accurate. I know a few Tauruses that wake up, do a bunch of stuff, then go back to sleep. In fact, I do that as well. It's strange how well these things fall into place, isn't it? LOL LOL LOL LOL! _______________ Wanna know what my name means? Peralos Ale'Velkyrii: Perilous Drunken Angel, or PDA for short. Perilous, because I'm bound to get into fights I can't win. Drunken, because ALE! Angel, because a valkyrie is basically an angel of Odin. I'm here to send you to the afterlife, but I can't gurantee I'll be stable enough to win a fight.
|
|
Ale'Velkyrii - Student 
|
LOL! I'm cancer and I plan on learning to drive soon, so I'll be sure to not shove a roll of duct tape up my nose. Oh...I DON'T plan on drowning in a puddle of mud, thank you. _______________ Wanna know what my name means? Peralos Ale'Velkyrii: Perilous Drunken Angel, or PDA for short. Perilous, because I'm bound to get into fights I can't win. Drunken, because ALE! Angel, because a valkyrie is basically an angel of Odin. I'm here to send you to the afterlife, but I can't gurantee I'll be stable enough to win a fight.
|
|
Sniya - Student 
|
::pokes were he thinks appendix is:: _______________ The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do. Bertrand Russell http://www.thejediacademy.net/forums_detail_page.php?f_id=970 |
|
Ale'Velkyrii - Student
|
heheheh...I love that song. It's one of my favorite Weird Al songs. Thanks for posting this. _______________ Wanna know what my name means? Peralos Ale'Velkyrii: Perilous Drunken Angel, or PDA for short. Perilous, because I'm bound to get into fights I can't win. Drunken, because ALE! Angel, because a valkyrie is basically an angel of Odin. I'm here to send you to the afterlife, but I can't gurantee I'll be stable enough to win a fight.
|
|
Battlin' Billy - Student 
|
Do you mean Ernest Borgnine (sp?). He's different than the Ernest you're thinking of. Ernest Borgnine was an old-time actor, the other Ernest started out doing commercials, then someone thought he was real funny and they put him in a 7-Up commercial and eventually a couple of movies. Oh, and Weird Al kicks butt!!! _______________ Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment | Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss JA Goaltender & NHL Fan | Fellow Rush fan to Axion|Plo Koon is my oldest JA friend Post your RL pics HERE! | Post you JK2/JK3 screenies HERE! |
|
Fizz of Belouve - Student 
|
omg - lets beat the crap out of this dude _______________ One of the Belouve boys, founder of the mighty FiZZsters Midbie council #20 - Fizz - #1933 - Jan '03 - Aug '04 "Renfield, you idiot!" |
|
Sared - Retired 
|
Ernest....kinda like the American version of Mr. Bean. A walking, talking, living disaster. _______________ I'm crazy, not stupid. |
|
Flamori Athena - Student 
|
Al yankovic! _______________ «±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±» True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing. |
|
Fizz of Belouve - Student 
|
yeah, i've done that part with my friends... muahaha *evil laughter*... they don't laugh about anything again >-) wtf is ernest borgheim ? _______________ One of the Belouve boys, founder of the mighty FiZZsters Midbie council #20 - Fizz - #1933 - Jan '03 - Aug '04 "Renfield, you idiot!" |
|
Kueller - Student 
|
I don't want my haed on a stick Would be even worse if it is a chopstick, that must hurt! _______________ Personal sleepness-nights-supporter of Virtue. Owner of the 1000th comment of Daidalus and 1943th comment of Gradius! Owner of the 300th comment of Carda! -Taught Gradius all his laming skills
|
|
Muad'dib - Student 
|
Running With Scissors, heh I was actually listening to this a few days ago _______________ "It's because I love you. No. It's because I love you" Oh, Anakin, you're eloquence is second to none. I AM THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES! |
|
FaDed - Student 
|
wierd al |
|
Jacen Aratan - Student |
How the hell did it know I have a pathetic life...? But I wont play whack-a-mole though, that's below me. *gets drawn to the machine* |
| Login and add your comment! |