| I want your Opinions on this story i am making | |
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Trekked - Student  |
I want your opinion, i am still working on it but i made a good start. A Long Long Time ago in a Galaxy Far away... STAR WARS The REBEL HOPE During the Time of The Empire The Forces of the Emperor Looked Over the Planets of the Galatic Empire Making Sure that they do not rebel, on a small planet in the Qualar System a Young rebel awaits his chance for Freedom for his People. Unknown to him the Empire has begun building a New Weapon, a Weapon that threatens the life of the Rebellion. *A Imperial Class Stardestroyer is in orbit of Teleas IV[/i] Captian Holz:Is everything ready Commander? Commander Trydar:Yes sir, all fighter squadrons are ready and the Landing craft report that they are ready to disembark. Captian Holz:Excellent, Inform the Shuttles that they may begin their landing, all tie fighters are to move in and take out all Anti-Aircraft systems operational *The Commander nods and issues the orders to the Communications officer, within minutes the Landing Craft move out of the Hangerbay and begin their landing On the Planet a man runs, he carries a Lightsaber at his belt he reaches a clearing and draws his Lightsaber, a man in a robe walks out of the shadow's and opens fire, The Young man blocks the older man's shots _______________ he's a Real nowhere man,Sitting in his Nowhere land.making all his Nowhere plans for nobody |
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| Comments |
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Achilles - Student 
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sounds pretty cool! _______________ Padawan to the great Katan JA Brother to D@RTHM@ULR.I.P. Vladarion, may he find peace in the afterlife. |
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Kyle Sieran - Student 
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his name is captain holtz _______________ -If a Jedi ignites his lightsaber, he must be ready to take a life. If he is not so prepared, he must keep his weapon at his side.- ~Odan Urr Keeper Of Antiquities~ [Brother to Shadow(JAP), Kyle Katarn(JAS),Medlar,The White Wizard, D@RtHM@UL, and ROBIN OF LOCKSLEY!!!! (ROBIN)/(ROBIN HOOD)]/ NOW KNOWN AS Sednox (if he changes his name one more time...POW!)  Which is bigger? A mole of NaCl? or a mole of Pb?
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Trekked - Student 
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If anyone want's to help me create the storyline then Post in my Profile. give me your idea's what should happen there _______________ he's a Real nowhere man,Sitting in his Nowhere land.making all his Nowhere plans for nobody |
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Wolfwood - Student 
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I like it but (my opinion) I dont like it when people write like this: Wolfwood: ...... Person: ...... Wolfwood: ..... basically because it becomes a sum up of stuff and is less nice to read  _______________ ~ Honor is a fool's prize. Glory is of no use to the dead ~ |
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Trekked - Student
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Sorry this took so long, had to figure out how to make this more interesting here it is A Long Long Time ago in a Galaxy Far away... STAR WARS The REBEL HOPE During the Time of The Empire The Forces of the Emperor Looked Over the Planets of the Galatic Empire Making Sure that they do not rebel, on a small planet in the Qualar System a Young rebel awaits his chance for Freedom for his People. Unknown to him the Empire has begun building a New Weapon, a Weapon that threatens the life of the Rebellion. *A Imperial Class Stardestroyer is in orbit of Teleas IV Captian Holz stands infront of the veiwport on the ISD Emperor's Revenge* Captian Holz:Is everything ready Commander? Commander Trydar:Yes sir, all fighter squadrons are ready and the Landing craft report that they are ready to disembark. Captian Holz:Excellent, Inform the Shuttles that they may begin their landing, all tie fighters are to move in and take out all Anti-Aircraft systems operational *The Commander nods and issues the orders to the Communications officer, within minutes the Landing Craft move out of the Hangerbay and begin their landing On the Planet a man runs, he carries a Lightsaber at his belt he reaches a clearing and draws his Lightsaber, a man in a robe walks out of the shadow's and opens fire, The Young man blocks the older man's shots he smiles and the older man puts down his Hood* Uiura:Very Good Irian, your streangth increases ten-fold everyday. Irian:I thank you master *they start to walk back to their home when they feel a disterbance in the force* Irian:what is it? *Uiura looks up at his face, he looks sad* Uiura:They have come. _______________ he's a Real nowhere man,Sitting in his Nowhere land.making all his Nowhere plans for nobody |
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Axion - Student 
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nice job _______________ Axion - Yeah. |
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Arina - Ex-Student 
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cool _______________ <Shut up you gutless weasel.> -Rachel "a day may come when the courage of men fails, but it is not this day, this day we fight" |
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Trekked - Student 
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This is only a Alpha version I was seeing your reactions to the storyline first. i am only writing at night, beacuse i do not have much time in the day. (School) Anyway's, the Beta Version shall be ready tonight _______________ he's a Real nowhere man,Sitting in his Nowhere land.making all his Nowhere plans for nobody |
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VirusD - Student 
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yea its good for start _______________ '** I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.**' '**On going to war over religion: "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.**" '**I Dont Lie! I Just Bend And Illustrate The Truth A Little**' - By me when talking to a friend. |
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Arina - Ex-Student 
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i think it's good _______________ <Shut up you gutless weasel.> -Rachel "a day may come when the courage of men fails, but it is not this day, this day we fight" |
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dose - Ex-Student 
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I agree. It's well written. I get a good impression of the characters. You might want to look at some incomplete sentences and repetition. Keep writing, and keep this post up to date with your story. _______________ "If you hold back anything, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget anything , I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to try very hard to stay alive Nick. Now do you understand everything that I have said? Because if you don't, I'll kill you!" |
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Doppelgänger - Student 
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It's a good try for someone your age. The only thing that's lacking from your story is depth. For instance when you wrote:" Captain Holz: Is everything ready Commander?" What your reader needs to know is a visualization of what the surroundings / environment is. What was Captain Holz doing as he asked that question? Did he just come from a lift? Was he standing next to a bulkhead or a window? What was the look on his face? What was he feeling? These little elements add life and character to the story and spark interest. Not to say that what you have isn't interesting it's just not enough on it's own. You must build each seen but be careful not to give too much detail as the reader should conceive what else might be in the environment at the time as well. Also…Use spellcheck! _______________ "Look not back in anger, nor forward in fear But around you in awareness." Ross Hersey |
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