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Joke of the Every Couple of Days!!!
Nov 28 2024 02:36am

Battlin' Billy
 - Student
Battlin' Billy
Permanent
I'll try to post one joke a day on here. Feel free to add a joke or 2 yourself.

_______________
Midbie Council Member #2 - Profile ID 2073 | Member of B@rtM@ulS@ar | Owner of Monty's 2000th comment & D@RtHM@UL's 8100th comment |
Former Padawan of SilkMonkey & Arcuss
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This post was edited by doobie on Mar 02 2004 04:52pm.

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Jan 06 2005 05:02pm

Broda Dagre
 - Student
 Broda Dagre

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: Five percent said it was to get a glass of water. Twelve percent said it was to go to the bathroom. Eighty-three percent said it was to go home.
_______________
Fact of the day: In New York City, rats bite about 311 people in an average year. However, 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.

Jan 06 2005 12:03am

Cheta T. Must
 - Student
 Cheta T. Must

Quote:
A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I dont know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidentce. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldnt sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said: "Ive never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I dont want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"



Awesome jokes btw wind and shang lol.
i just wanted to say that this joke is from the movie big fish just edited tad.
good jokes none the less.

Jan 05 2005 10:55pm

thewind
 - Student

Very kind of you guys to suggest that:) But I bet i'll become boring soon. Besides, other guys here are very funny as well! :)

This comment was edited by thewind on Jan 05 2005 10:56pm.

Jan 05 2005 03:38pm

thewind
 - Student

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."


Jan 05 2005 03:30pm

thewind
 - Student

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"


Jan 05 2005 03:12pm

thewind
 - Student

A small guy enters an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down at him.
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." Hearing this, the small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.
"What's wrong?"
"Excuse me, but what did you say?"
"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."
"Thank God. I thought you said, 'turn around.'"

Jan 05 2005 03:09pm

thewind
 - Student

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
"Well," the boy said, "my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran."


Jan 05 2005 05:16am

Shang Chi
 - Student
 Shang Chi

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa." The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said: "I dont know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidentce. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldnt sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said: "Ive never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I dont want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"
_______________
Thirty spokes converge on a single hub, but it is in the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the cart lies. Clay is molded to make a pot, but it is the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the clay pot lies. Cut out doors and windows to make a room, but it is in the spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the room lies. Therefore, Benefit may be derived from something, but it is in nothing that we find usefulness.

Jan 04 2005 06:09pm

Raziel Anjelis
 - Student
 Raziel Anjelis

roflmao /me seconds sol's motion to put jester hat on thewind :P
_______________
Proud owner of El Vee For's 200th Comment, and Wicek's 2600th comment :D DaMi3N's 400th, Trad Redav's 666th. :D

Jan 04 2005 05:40pm

Jake Kainite
 - Student
 Jake Kainite

thewind mate, have you learned nothing?? If someone gives you credit for someone elses jokes, work, anything, you always milk it for all its worth :D
_______________
Apprenctice of Jedi Master Ascari (deceased)
Descended from a line of great Jedi
Will argue any point of view from any side :D


Jan 04 2005 05:14pm

Mic Den Octela
 - Student
 Mic Den Octela

lol... keep 'em coming thewind :P
_______________
-Padawan of Virtue -Brother of Menaxia, *|irael, Krynn Adept, Majno, Ris Win Juljul, DaMi3N, Beowulf, Dash Starlight, Carrock and Yuken Zalak Bartender at Munes bar. Sir Mic of Nippledom! Proudly beating Wang, since '07. (Crackdown)

Jan 04 2005 03:23am

thewind
 - Student

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him in the crotch and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. A moment later, Sophie yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"


Jan 04 2005 03:14am

thewind
 - Student

glad you are enjoying the jokes, solitude:) But I can't take credit for them because I only find them :)

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman."
The priest asks, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in."


Jan 04 2005 12:13am

solitude
 - Jedi Council
 solitude

rofl

i nominate thewind as official academy jester :D
_______________
Joined 16 October 2004 | Retired 10 April 2005 | Returned 05 June 2008 | Made Staff 27 June 2008 | Made Council 18 January 2009
Padawan To Odan-Wei Belouve | Adopted into the Belouve family | Twin to xAnAtOs | Owner of the 4th Quesi sexy badge :D Brother To Roan Belouve, Nomad, Majno, Silkmonkey, Kensei and Jarhok Belouve
Owner Of Virtue's 1000th profile comment, Mr. Doobie's 1000th profile comment, Gradius' 2500th comment, xAnAtOs' 2500th comment, Rosered's 1500th comment, Laziana's 900th comment, Scythus' 500th comment and Echuu's 100th comment


Jan 04 2005 12:10am

thewind
 - Student

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Jan 03 2005 06:52pm

Mic Den Octela
 - Student
 Mic Den Octela

LOL!! Nice... that could become someones life moral!
_______________
-Padawan of Virtue -Brother of Menaxia, *|irael, Krynn Adept, Majno, Ris Win Juljul, DaMi3N, Beowulf, Dash Starlight, Carrock and Yuken Zalak Bartender at Munes bar. Sir Mic of Nippledom! Proudly beating Wang, since '07. (Crackdown)

Jan 03 2005 04:18pm

Bail Hope of Belouve
 - Student
 Bail Hope of Belouve

I knew the first, but the second one is super great!!

OMG, that's great, lol!! :D
_______________
Visit the Belouve Family Website!
Quote:
I try to have fun with my friends and try to make a difference as best I can. What does making a difference mean? Well, it can be as simple as saying hello, answering a question that seems obvious or heck, just talking. -- Vladarion

Want to know Vladarion? Read the Article about his life here.


Jan 03 2005 05:11am

thewind
 - Student

*Joke written in first person by someone. And that person is NOT me.*


I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."


Jan 03 2005 03:13am

thewind
 - Student

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the late reply. I was on vacation for a week. I am glad you guys enyojed the jokes!

Nice joke, Athena. As for the Armstrong joke, unfortunately, I don't know if it was true or not.


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Jan 01 2005 12:07am

Axion
 - Student
 Axion

LOL! Good ones Lian. :D
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Axion - Yeah.

Dec 31 2004 06:49pm

Demon
 - Student
 Demon

Quote:
1. Good: You're finally playing JK3 again.
Bad: You get pwned by a n00b.
Ugly: You find out that it's JK2!
I'd be more like "W00T W00T!!" :P
_______________
Quote:
Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion I gain strength. Through strength I gain power. Through power I gain victory. Through victory my chains are broken. The Force will free me.
-The Code of The Sith


Dec 30 2004 05:07am

Lian Del Rey
 - Student
 Lian Del Rey

Here's another one of those Good Bad Ugly thingies that I made out. o.O

1. Good: You're finally playing JK3 again.
Bad: You get pwned by a n00b.
Ugly: You find out that it's JK2!

2. Good: Despite your hideous model, you find someone to duel with you.
Bad: They're better than you.
Ugly: It's JavaGuy!

3. Good: You finally stand up for your rights in the JA!
Bad: You get kicked from IRC.
Ugly: Buzz is going to have a talk with you.

4. Good: Despite your continual playing online, you finally found a girlfriend.
Bad: She likes other guys.
Ugly: She's a guy, too.

5. Good: Your conversation with Buzz turned out well.
Bad: He decides to ban you.
Ugly: He gave your IP Address to Microsoft.

6. Good: Your boyfriend likes girls now.
Good/Bad: He breaks up with you.
Ugly: He's going out with your sister.

7. Good: You get a talk with Buzz.
Bad: Buzz leaves the JA.
Ugly: Your mom replaces him.
Uglier: She gives you a spanking for being banned from the JA in the first place.

8. Good: You're let back into the JA.
Bad: You get lamed repeatedly.
Ugly: You lamed him first!

9. Good: You finally get to meet up with a JAS in real life!
Bad: It's Lianiotte.
Ugly: She's with the FBI and she black-lights your bed.

10. Good: You finally become a JAT!
Bad: DJ_Sith left the JA.
Ugly: It was a second after you became a JAT.
Uglier: He took the JA with him.
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slorp

Dec 30 2004 12:03am

Cheta T. Must
 - Student
 Cheta T. Must

/_ [] \_

Dec 29 2004 02:43pm

Flamori Athena
 - Student
 Flamori Athena

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
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«±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±»
True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing.


Dec 29 2004 02:25pm

Flamori Athena
 - Student
 Flamori Athena

Quote:
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

is that true? if so that would be so...there's no word for it. that would rock.
_______________
«±» 21st on the Midbie Council, Profile ID: 2027 «±»
True wisdom is the knowledge that you know nothing.


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